Comparison: why someone else’s retirement is the wrong yardstick

Few questions get under the skin in your fifties quite like “am I doing as well as everyone else?” A friend announces they have finished work at 58. A colleague the same age is chasing another promotion. A sibling seems to have it all worked out. Your phone fills with sunsets, campervans and captions about freedom. And somewhere in the back of your mind, a quiet scorecard starts to tick.

Comparing is human. We are wired to check where we stand. But when it comes to working less and retiring, other people make a surprisingly poor measuring stick. Here is why, and what to use instead.

Who we tend to measure ourselves against

• The friend who stopped early. Often someone with a final salary pension, the kind that pays a guaranteed income for life. Many of us have no such pension, so the comparison starts from different ground.
• The colleagues still charging ahead. Same age, same pressures, no sign of slowing. Their energy can make your wish to ease off feel like a lack of commitment.
• Brothers and sisters. Family comparisons cut deepest, because they come with decades of history attached.
• The “FIRE” crowd. The financial independence, retire early movement can be genuinely inspiring, and the stories of people who stopped at 40 can also leave you feeling you missed the boat.
• Social media. The beach, the vineyard, the grandchildren in matching T-shirts. A curated highlight reel, posted on a good day.

Why comparison distorts the picture

When you look at someone else’s retirement, you see the outcome. You almost never see what produced it. Behind every early finish or comfortable lifestyle there is a long list of things that stay out of view:

• Their pots. How much they have saved, what kind of pensions they hold, and whether those pensions come with guarantees.
• Their trade-offs. The smaller house, the years of long commutes, the holidays they did not take, or the debt they are still quietly carrying.
• Their health. Some people stop early because they want to. Others stop because their body or a diagnosis made the decision for them.
• A partner’s income. One household may be living largely on the other partner’s salary or pension.
• Luck and inheritance. A well-timed house sale, a parent’s estate, a redundancy package that arrived at just the right moment.

None of this is a criticism of anyone. Most people are simply doing their best with the hand they were dealt. It just means their result tells you very little about what is possible, or right, for you.

The two traps

Trap one: “I’m behind”

This is the panic that follows the dinner where everyone else seems sorted. It can lead to rushed decisions: chasing higher returns, working harder to catch up, or avoiding the subject altogether because it feels too uncomfortable to look at. Ironically, the people who feel furthest behind are often the ones who have never sat down with their actual figures.

Trap two: “I should keep going, like them”

The opposite pull is just as strong. If your peers are still working full tilt, easing off can feel like falling out of the race. So you keep going, not because your numbers say you must, but because stepping back would feel conspicuous. The cost here is not money. It is time, and particularly the years when you are most likely to be well enough to enjoy it.

Better yardsticks

Your own numbers

The only figures that matter for your plan are yours: your pensions, savings, State Pension forecast and what you expect to spend. If you want a neutral reference point, the Retirement Living Standards set out what different lifestyles typically cost. For one person, the latest figures are £13,900 a year for minimum, £32,700 for moderate and £45,400 for comfortable. For a couple, £22,500, £45,400 and £62,700.

Treat these as a map, not a target. They are not a pass mark, and nobody is grading you. Our how much do I need to retire tool helps you turn them into a figure that fits your own life.

Your healthy years

Healthy life expectancy at birth in the UK is around 61 years, according to the ONS. That is an average, not a forecast for you, but it is a useful nudge. The question is not “when did my friend stop?” but “how many good, active years might I have, and how do I want to spend them?” Our healthy years calculator puts that into your own numbers.

What you want your weeks to look like

Picture an ordinary week five years from now. How much of it is work, and what kind? What fills the rest? This is a far more personal measure than anyone’s retirement date, and it often points somewhere in between: working less rather than stopping completely. Our piece on writing your own job description for the next 10 years is a good place to sketch that out.

Practical steps

1. Decide your “enough”. Write down the income that would let you live the life you described above. Once you have your own number, other people’s numbers lose much of their power. If you have spent decades saving, letting yourself spend can be its own challenge; see why spending feels so hard.
2. Curate what you consume. Notice which accounts, forums or conversations leave you feeling anxious or inadequate. You can mute, unfollow or simply step away without judging anyone for what they post.
3. Talk honestly with one trusted person. A partner, a close friend, a sibling you get on with. Money is still a taboo subject for many of us, and silence is where comparison thrives. Hearing the real story behind someone else’s choices is usually reassuring.
4. Check where you stand. Our retirement readiness quiz gives you a quick, private read on your own position, with nobody else’s results in sight.

If comparison is feeding persistent worry or affecting your sleep and mood, a conversation with your GP can help alongside sorting out the figures. For free, impartial help with pensions, MoneyHelper is a good first stop, and Pension Wise offers free guidance if you are 50 or over with a defined contribution pension. The rules are general, so always check how they apply to your own circumstances.

Someone else’s retirement is the answer to their question. Yours deserves its own.

Questions people ask